Yours 'til the kitchen sinks

Dearest Baby Geniuses:

2005-09-15T20:12:00.000-07:00

I have a bit of advice for those of you who are the future darlings of the professional world: do NOT belittle, berate, bother, or insult your administrative personnel (when you finally have them).
These people can, if they so choose, make your work life hell or, in many cases, they can make it run more smoothly than you ever dreamed.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Yours truly
PER
Bob Worker-Bee
Temp Secretary
/bw

Dear Senior Family Member:

2005-06-21T18:34:00.000-07:00

We are pleased to be hosting a memorial mixer for your mother/sister/grandmother/aunt/cousin at the Best Western Quality Inn next Thursday. We hope it will be an opportunity to share memories of her, as well as a chance to meet extended (and estranged) members of the family. There will be a memorial service at the Seniors' Centre in the afternoon, at which everyone is welcome, followed by a buffet in the lobby of the inn. While everyone is welcome at the service, we ask that only serious mourners join us at the buffet (don't forget your drink ticket!), as we have limited space.
Please R.S.V.P. before this weekend, as we are sure that space will be at a premium, and we would like to reserve rooms at the inn in advance. We are aware several alternate choices for accommodation, and a tourism website will surely provide some others.
If anyone needs a ride feel free to contact us as we are happy to organize carpools.
Yours in mourning,
The Family.

Dear Toonville Kids:

2005-05-23T20:39:00.000-07:00

I never say this right, but I'm gonna try again. I like you guys plenty. If you ever have an event you want me to be at, a coffee you want to drink with me, a favour you want done, I'm there. That is, if it's at all feasible and doesn't involve pain or physical labour.
I'm more than happy to sit in the hot sun, dehydrated, on a sugar high in order to watch you do a hop, skip and a jump; I'll sit through three scary and pretty bad bands in order to cheer you on at open mike night; I'll come to a weekend retreat and try to be on speaking terms with God. Whatever.
But you gotta ask. None of you have seemed to need my input in your full and busy lives, and while that's great, it kind of makes me want to run back to a city where people seem to need my time and energy and input.
I have a flight to that very city on Friday. If I work hard and I'm lucky, I'll get a job out there and I won't be back here until a particular weekend in August (cause someone asked me to be somewhere, and I'm gonna try).
In all probability, I'm going to be back hanging around before then, but if you don't want to hedge your bets, gimme a ring sometime this week.
Best of luck,
H.

Dear The Two Girls:

2005-05-17T15:23:00.000-07:00

Who are not at all alike, nope, so it could really be any two girls, but specifically, you two, doppelgang-kids. I haven't talked to you in way too long. I am dying for my required dose of your brand of crazy (two entirely distinct brands of crazy, one completely different from the other), and your entirely reliable advice on a variety of important (to me) subjects (not that you would ever give me the same advice, you completely different individuals, you).
Sigh. More proof? I really want to hear from each of you.
Love and kisses to one, hugs and joy to the other,
H.

Dearest 2 am:

2005-04-14T00:46:00.000-07:00

I know we've come to depend on one another. I'm awake, waiting for you to arrive, I feel as though I can no longer sleep until you're here. Even when I might be better off tucking in at 12 or 1, I stay up to catch a glimpse of you.
You were the hardest hour for a while, the thing I had to fight through. But finally we became friends, you and I.
And now, although I hate to say it, I think I have to stop seeing you. It's time for me to return to the more reasonable hours. They don't promise your quiet and mysterious way, but they don't leave me feeling tired the next day either. And I won't do the same things with them.
But you're too much for me, I'm too old to have the kind of fun you seem to want on a regular basis. We can still go out together sometimes, maybe on a Friday or Saturday. But I can't see you every night anymore.
Let Me Sleep,
H.

Dear Readers:

2005-02-25T19:50:00.000-08:00

You assure me you're out there, so okay.
If you want to know what the post below is about, please visit
SilverRingThing, and click on Play Letter Video. It's annoying, but you'll get the idea.
Thanks,
H.

Dear My Future Lover(s):

2005-02-25T19:43:00.000-08:00

Please know that I will expect so much more of you than that your body be "pure" for me. I don't care if you've slept with 1 or 100 girls and/or boys before me. I don't care if you don't have the "gift of your virginity" to give to me.
I don't think you'll respect me any less (or more, for that matter) because you've had sex before. I don't think it made your expectations of me any different. I don't worry that I'm being compared to others who've gone before me.
I'm going to ask you for two things, two highly important things: kindness and respect. If you can give me those things, you'll be giving me the greatest gift.
Kisses,
H.

Dear monotheism:

2005-02-01T01:06:00.000-08:00

Right now, I have a choice. I don't believe in you. I don't mean what you stand for, the mono, the one. I mean I don't believe in YOU, theologies. You come to me and say, this way is right, this way is easy. This way will get you all the good things.
But if I believe, if I give in to your open arms and your promises, then people I love, not just one, but so very many, well I'll be against them. I'll have to look at their warmth and their light, and say "I can't choose you." And I'm not strong enough to do that.
With kindest regards,
H.
P.S. Plus, I'd have to give up tv, movies, music, books I like. Do you see that happening?

Dear Far-away Friends:

2005-01-23T21:27:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry that I'm missing your birthdays, break-ups, buffy nights and that time your parents called the police on you. I miss you all so very much and am not finding anyone in Toonville who compares to you. They're only amateur friends here and you guys are the pros.
Wishing you much love across this great(big)nation,
H.

Dear Indigo:

2004-11-07T15:11:00.000-08:00

Thank you for having, for once in my life, exactly what I needed (and by way of atmosphere too)! It was a nice change and I left the store feeling lovely and refreshed.
Yours,
H.

Dear Students:

2004-11-07T08:09:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's crunch time. We all feel it. That last push before exams when you have so much work (both new and piled-up) that you think it will be January before you're finished. And you're pretty much right, I think. The work will stretch out. It will consume you whole and spit out fragments of who you used to be. They will say: "Alas, poor Bob, I knew her well," or something. But look around you. Others are suffering like you are. We all have a loved-one or two who is far away. We deal with losses and confusions. But sometimes we forget that we don't deal with them alone. If you need help, get it. Tell a friend, tell a counselor, just tell someone else. If the only person you feel okay sharing with is your god, that's fine too. Do it. Me? I'm just telling you.
Best wishes,
H.

Dear People who love me:

2004-11-04T16:08:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel like watching me make decisions is like watching birds fly into windows? Like "Ooh, pretty green!" SMACK! "Ouchie. Ooh, pretty green!" And you just want to put up a sign or take away the window or something?
Love ya,
-H.

Dear Born-Again Boy:

2004-11-03T10:18:00.000-08:00

Usually I enjoy your pondering about you and God. I read your blog pretty faithfully (ha!) as it usually has something interesting to say about the world or you or struggles. But yesterday, THE day, you continue to do just that, look only at your life and your relationship with God, while down in the States, they were deciding something that you would be interested in: no gay marriage in, what was it, 11? states. Dude this should be a proud moment for you, and I wanted to read your thoughts because you are the only right-wing (right?) kid that I really associate much with anymore, and I trust your intelligence and I wanted this news as processed by your brain. Come through, please.
-H.

Dear Americans:

2004-11-03T10:13:00.000-08:00

You kept telling me that you didn't agree with Bush, that you barely elected him so I shouldn't judge, but how about now? Can I judge you now? I've been reading blogs all over the internet this morning, because we all know where the real news lives (don't we?) And there are people rejoicing, yes, but there are also Americans who are disgusted and terrified (and have been the latter throughout the campaign). We needed to wait and see what would happen four years ago, but what about now?
-H.
P.S. Thank-you, I guess, for making me grateful, for the first time, that my granddad passed away so he doesn't have to see this happen.

Dear "Friend":

2004-10-27T16:23:00.000-07:00

Just a little note: if you say mean things about someone else that I love, I will probably think a little less of you. Maybe that's obvious. But here are some clarifications that may not be:
1. I will like you less than I did even if, in general, I like you more than the person you're badmouthing. And, I will probably end up liking them better.
2. I will associate you more than the person with any bad things you might tell me about them - even if they are true.
3. I am probably aware of the fact of whether or not you like the person.
a) if you actually like them (or love them) I probably will judge your motives less harshly,
b) however if you dislike them, it will make me defensive on their behalf.
4. It kind of makes me want to hear them say bad things about you, and if they do, I probably won't be grumpy, as it will seem deserved. That means this formula won't apply to them.
Good luck,
H.

Dear Flu-like symptoms:

2004-10-25T17:06:00.000-07:00

Usually I like to be fairly polite (except when addressing loved ones). But in this case I just need to say it: fuck off. You've reduced me to subsisting entirely on saltines and my old favourite 1/2 apple juice, 1/2 ginger ale. I ate a total of 12 peanuts and 2 almonds, and you said: "HAHAHA, No." Why are you doing this to me?? What have I ever done to you? I believe I was a very gracious hostess when you invaded my body without warning 8 months ago, and I thought we had parted ways amiably, but forever. I thought we had a deal!
With consternation,
H.

Dear Shy Girls:

2004-10-20T19:45:00.000-07:00

I know that when you tell me you are shy, I tend to act all incredulous. It's not that I don't believe you. It's just that usually when you tell me this, we are involved in some kind of conversation. I am a shy girl myself, and never believe that I (or any other shy girl) could have a conversation with anyone. Yes, I understand that I am having a conversation with you, however, I do not understand how I am doing this. I worry that we can't make friends with each other without the help of a non-shy girl, and I don't like it.
With hope,
H.

Dear Skinny Girl #2:

2004-10-20T19:36:00.000-07:00

Yes. I know I am not visible to you and your tiny friends unless I am doing something excessively stupid. I know that at this point you are stuck because you must comment on it while continuing to ignore my existence. I enjoyed your brilliant solution of telling a related story in which the main actor died. And right in my ear, in your tiny shrill voice. If you had at any time acknowledged my presence, I would have thought you were being quite kind (in your way).
Thanks but no thanks,
H.
P.S. Yes, I knew it was stupid.
P.P.S. Because sometimes I do it anyway.

Dear Timing:

2004-10-20T19:33:00.000-07:00

Just to let you know: that's not funny.
Yours,
H.

Dear Literary Snobs:

2004-10-19T23:12:00.000-07:00

If you insist on calling him "Woadhouse" or on calling the other one "Zoey" I may not like you anymore. Even if you are right.
Cheers,
H.

Dear Skinny Girl:

2004-10-19T16:46:00.000-07:00

Do not look into my shopping basket with that expression. I really don't need you thinking you can judge my groceries just because you refuse to eat. I don't understand why you're browsing in the food aisles anyway, when we both know that the only thing you're going to buy a pack of sugarfree gum (mmm, filling). You stick to your world and I'll stick to mine.
Later gator,
H.

Dear Entropy,

2004-10-19T14:40:00.000-07:00

I understand that you are inevitable. That everything tends to you. Chemists love you, and study you, and want to explain and understand the mystery of you. I understand that seeing your effects in my life is a privilege that I should cherish. But in the future, please stay the hell away from my cd tower.
With much respect,
H.

Dear "Energy Wise",

2004-10-18T14:53:00.000-07:00

Could you please, please not send me unsolicted paper mail? And, if you must do so, could you send it with the other mail that I received from the same company - on the same day?
Love,
H.
P.S. I would love me some energy saving compact fluorescent lightbulbs. Thanks.

Dear Becky,

2004-10-18T13:35:00.000-07:00

You know that gross couple that used to fondle each other in class? They are still here. Why are they here and not you?!
-H
P.S. And, yes, he still wears the cape.