Dear Flu-like symptoms:

Usually I like to be fairly polite (except when addressing loved ones). But in this case I just need to say it: fuck off. You've reduced me to subsisting entirely on saltines and my old favourite 1/2 apple juice, 1/2 ginger ale. I ate a total of 12 peanuts and 2 almonds, and you said: "HAHAHA, No." Why are you doing this to me?? What have I ever done to you? I believe I was a very gracious hostess when you invaded my body without warning 8 months ago, and I thought we had parted ways amiably, but forever. I thought we had a deal!
With consternation,
H.