Dear "Friend":

Just a little note: if you say mean things about someone else that I love, I will probably think a little less of you. Maybe that's obvious. But here are some clarifications that may not be:
1. I will like you less than I did even if, in general, I like you more than the person you're badmouthing. And, I will probably end up liking them better.
2. I will associate you more than the person with any bad things you might tell me about them - even if they are true.
3. I am probably aware of the fact of whether or not you like the person.
a) if you actually like them (or love them) I probably will judge your motives less harshly,
b) however if you dislike them, it will make me defensive on their behalf.
4. It kind of makes me want to hear them say bad things about you, and if they do, I probably won't be grumpy, as it will seem deserved. That means this formula won't apply to them.
Good luck,
H.

Dear Flu-like symptoms:

Usually I like to be fairly polite (except when addressing loved ones). But in this case I just need to say it: fuck off. You've reduced me to subsisting entirely on saltines and my old favourite 1/2 apple juice, 1/2 ginger ale. I ate a total of 12 peanuts and 2 almonds, and you said: "HAHAHA, No." Why are you doing this to me?? What have I ever done to you? I believe I was a very gracious hostess when you invaded my body without warning 8 months ago, and I thought we had parted ways amiably, but forever. I thought we had a deal!
With consternation,
H.

Dear Shy Girls:

I know that when you tell me you are shy, I tend to act all incredulous. It's not that I don't believe you. It's just that usually when you tell me this, we are involved in some kind of conversation. I am a shy girl myself, and never believe that I (or any other shy girl) could have a conversation with anyone. Yes, I understand that I am having a conversation with you, however, I do not understand how I am doing this. I worry that we can't make friends with each other without the help of a non-shy girl, and I don't like it.
With hope,
H.

Dear Skinny Girl #2:

Yes. I know I am not visible to you and your tiny friends unless I am doing something excessively stupid. I know that at this point you are stuck because you must comment on it while continuing to ignore my existence. I enjoyed your brilliant solution of telling a related story in which the main actor died. And right in my ear, in your tiny shrill voice. If you had at any time acknowledged my presence, I would have thought you were being quite kind (in your way).
Thanks but no thanks,
H.
P.S. Yes, I knew it was stupid.
P.P.S. Because sometimes I do it anyway.

Dear Timing:

Just to let you know: that's not funny.
Yours,
H.

Dear Literary Snobs:

If you insist on calling him "Woadhouse" or on calling the other one "Zoey" I may not like you anymore. Even if you are right.
Cheers,
H.

Dear Skinny Girl:

Do not look into my shopping basket with that expression. I really don't need you thinking you can judge my groceries just because you refuse to eat. I don't understand why you're browsing in the food aisles anyway, when we both know that the only thing you're going to buy a pack of sugarfree gum (mmm, filling). You stick to your world and I'll stick to mine.
Later gator,
H.

Dear Entropy,

I understand that you are inevitable. That everything tends to you. Chemists love you, and study you, and want to explain and understand the mystery of you. I understand that seeing your effects in my life is a privilege that I should cherish. But in the future, please stay the hell away from my cd tower.
With much respect,
H.

Dear "Energy Wise",

Could you please, please not send me unsolicted paper mail? And, if you must do so, could you send it with the other mail that I received from the same company - on the same day?
Love,
H.
P.S. I would love me some energy saving compact fluorescent lightbulbs. Thanks.

Dear Becky,

You know that gross couple that used to fondle each other in class? They are still here. Why are they here and not you?!
-H
P.S. And, yes, he still wears the cape.